The Economic Advantage Of Masturbation Print E-mail
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Written by Anando   

This may seem like an honest philosophical debate on how a relaxed man is more hard working and hence more productive , pun intended but I assure you it's not. Whoever has seen the brilliant movie The Wolf of Wall Street would remember the infamous dialogue between Mathew and Leonardo on how jacking off couple of times a day made Mathew a successful man.  This is not about that. This is as simple and as base as it can be.

Men's love , creativity , affection and his own character can be formed by many aspects of his life and surroundings. One of those main aspects would be his manhood. His love for his woman would overcome everything , even his favourite sport, when he has not smelled the scent of beautiful bosoms for a couple of weeks.

So there is a man sitting in his room on a Saturday evening while his third leg makes him feel like a fucking idiot for not being able to gain access to lady and her ...desires. He can't concentrate on the T 20 match thats on or the whiskey glass in front of him or even the beautiful aroma of biriyani his neighbour's hot wife is cooking , however his neighbours hot wife is cooking in his mind.

He decides he has had enough. He frantically makes calls to women he thinks might give him atleast a hand job after 4 glasses of the most expensive alcohol they can find on the menu. There are three types of unmarried women in India. First the so called Sati Savitris , who have the policy of jaan jaye but virginity na jaye. On the notion of some self righteous crusade their fathers have put them on to ensure that he doesn't have to use a chastity belt on her.

The second who will sleep with you after they get drunk but in the morning come chasing you with a hatchet in one hand and a marriage garland in the other.

The last ones are too easy but too expensive. They want to ride in Audis , diamond necklaces as fortnightly gifts and trips to Mauritius.

So finally he remembers a girl he was able to pursue till second base after she had polished off 4 tequila , 3 beers and 2 Bombay Sapphires  and calls her. He tries to sound so loving that his tongue drools nothing but honey. He honestly and genuinely ensures that she believes the only reason he did not call was  because he was sick and not because the bill was rs 15000 last time they went out for which all he got was a 2 minute lip kiss and that also devoid of tongue. The girl after throwing tantrums like she was a ramp model finally agrees to go out.

The guy first has to rush to the ATM to take out money because , well that's the most important ingredient. Post which he has to ensure his car is clean and smells good . Some useless, incredibly expensive, inedible , unusable flower purchase later which would have gotten him two great computer games he sets off towards the girls house.

Couple of knocks and 10 minutes wait later finds her giggling on the phone . She sticks her finger out to gesture him to keep quiet because it's probably her ex boyfriend but why should he care either, it's not like he has come to get married to her. After another 10 minutes of giggling , 15 minutes of make up and selfies , she walks out just to realise she can't decide what shoes to wear.

By this time the guy is already mentally having a huge argument with his balls. "look what you got me into again you stupid fuck " he says to which his balls just laugh knowing full well he has no option but to listen to what it says. He hands her the flowers to which she goes "awww" and keeps them to a side never to be seen or watered again.

Once in the car she mentions about the ill effects on health due to over usage of car deodorants. The last time she mentioned the ill effects on health due to the smell of mould in cars . Something about moulds giving her an allergy but weed and pot supposedly never does.

So his obvious enquiry on where she wants to go is returned with an even more obvious gesture of anywhere but post which nothing else matches. Any place that would not make him sell his soul to the devil and credit card companies was not acceptable to her. So he gives up and takes her to the most amazing , expensive , romantic and over hyped place marked out by zomato just because there is a live band there who can't sing worth two pennies post a glass of beer .

He puts up a fantastic act on how interested he is about what his two ex boyfriends did to his mother's paper towels at her parent's anniversary . He kept his mental strength up by imagining that wonderful drive home he was about to get while the girl softly massaged his .....ego , or whatever was up for grabs.

If things weren't dreadful enough soon he comes to the realisation that he is sitting across the girl's best friends who come flying in and crashing his party. She asks them to join in and obviously the man always picks up the tab. They too order for the best possible alcohol . While they chat away on what lehenga they are going to wear at their friend's marriage and he watches the cricket match on his mobile under the table a great song starts to play and they all break into an impromptu bollywood style dance number and by now the man is thinking of chemically castrating himself.

Finally when all the torture ends and the bill comes he excuses himself to the toilet and cries in the bathroom for couple of minutes . Some stranger with unwashed hands, pats him on his back and sympathises with him . "I sold my kidney last year for a trip with this girl and she said she had her periods for the whole time" . Those words were like magic to him . Gave him the strength to walk out thinking he was only set back by Rs10000 and not a kidney. Money he can always earn back.

The lehenga discussing party finally disappear just the way the appeared , out of nowhere and the girl  complains of feeling sick. More moaning and groaning on how her parents are so narrow minded but she always listens to them because she loves them except when it comes to living in another city alone , drinking alcohol every day , smoking weed, pot and snorting coke and the guy thinks...wait so she only listens when it comes to sex out of wedlock?

After couple puke stops near a tree and shouting : " I am the queen of the world" he reaches the girl's home. She grabs every part of his 'already dying' to get some action body parts but not to pleasure him but because she can't climb up the stairs. They finally enter her house and he grabs her by her waist and starts kissing her with all his lust but wait, here enters the drama " is this all you want from me?" "No" defends the guy. "I really like you , I thought you wanted this too" . "Ya! I do but please not today , I am so tired and my office starts at 7 am and my boss cant digest his breakfast till he doesn't see my cleavage and grabs my ass" .

So the poor guy , decides to be a gentleman and get back to his car where he bangs his head on the car steering which made the horn honk in a matching tune that bands play when paying their final respects to a martyr solider. Another one bites dust .

The dejected man heads back home , opens another bottle of cheap whiskey , watches petite teen lesbian love and relieves himself before going to sleep happy. He even catches the highlights of the cricket match.

Now imagine, if he would have just decided to stay at home , watched the match , eaten a pizza and jacked off to great internet porn . He would have saved himself so much heart burn , pocket hole and disintegration of self respect.

To my brothers, always remember , paper towels cost way less than women and to my lady friends remember , the government has already fucked us to no end in every direction, from entertainment tax to swachh bharat cess. Dropping your pants once in a while without acting like Cleopatra would make for a better world to live in . You are not getting out a virgin anyways.

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